Acceptance:  How My Life Has Changed

When I first started on my recovery journey, one of the first underlying principles that I learned of was acceptance.  At that time, acceptance to me was being willing to admit that addiction is a disease and that my condition would not improve unless I could accept that I could no longer use alcohol or other mind-altering substances.  This was not an easy concession to make at first, despite my track record while actively using.  At the time, it didn’t occur to me that my anxiety at work, failed relationships, and general unhappiness stemmed from my disease, even after two DWIs and several other instances of poor choices influenced by my drinking.  I was simply dealing with bad luck, personal issues, and other misfortunes and I saw alcohol as a means to help me cope.  Finally, after becoming involved with CDP and pursuing recovery I learned the true nature of my spiritual condition and gained acceptance of my inability to drink successfully.

While I saw a marked improvement in the quality of my life once I embraced sobriety, I still found myself dealing with anxiety and feelings of inadequacy in my social and professional life.  Though I found myself with multiple years of sobriety on two different occasions, I ended up relapsing both times after a period of detachment from friends, family, recovery groups, and the tools that had led me to success previously.  Despite my efforts there was still something missing that I had apparently not addressed.  After my most recent treatment experience, I came to discover that while I had accepted my disease and condition years ago, I had still not fully accepted myself for who I am.  I found myself becoming aware of insecurities I had not realized were there, false beliefs I had of myself that weren’t true, and an inability to forgive myself for previous actions when I was still actively drinking.  Even though I was in a better place in life overall, I still blamed myself for things that had happened and could not escape that shadow.  Through the professionals, colleagues, and friends I have met and utilize in recovery, I can now face those demons that still plague me.

Even though it was depressing at first to find myself having to rebuild what I once had, I have been able to turn it into a true turning point in my recovery.  I am addressing the traumas and mistakes that I never truly forgave myself and others for, and becoming a more open and honest person because of it.  Recently I’ve dealt with big changes at work involving employee turnover, and the stress of that situation would easily have driven me into a dark and dangerous place as recently as a year ago.  However, because of my renewed focus on acceptance, I have faced the challenges as they have presented themselves, and not only have I withstood the tests but I have become a stronger and more confident provider because of them.  Rather than hide my shortcomings and try to work around them, I now accept them as they appear, deal with them properly, and learn from those experiences to be a better professional and a better person overall.

… Anonymous …