How Being in Recovery has Changed My Relationships and My Practice

My relationships have changed because I have changed.  Being in recovery has changed the way I think, the way I feel and the way I respond to life; therefore, the way I think and feel and respond in relationships has changed.  Thanks to Divine Intervention I am living in harmony with others. I am in a spiritually connected place and spiritual growth, to me, is really about eliminating the domination of self and embracing the leadership and blessings of God’s spirit. 

The relationships in my life shifted when I finally learned how to listen with intention to understand, rather than an intention to respond. I used to listen to my patients because it was my job; because I was motivated to make a connection to earn their trust so the patient would accept treatment and send more patients my way.  I would listen to my staff because I wanted to fit in and be liked; ultimately so that they would do things my way. Essentially, I was listening with the motivation to be in control; to get what I wanted. I did not have a solid spiritual base and I believed that I had to be in control. In recovery I take myself out of the equation.

With the support and guidance of folks in the recovery community, I have learned a lot about myself and made positive changes that have resulted in harmonious connections with others. Recovery has put into motion a life of selfless service without needing to control the outcome. I don’t have to persuade others by being detrimentally nice to them or tell them what I think they want to hear. I set boundaries and have integrity. I recognize and accept my shortcomings and as a result have become far less judgmental of others.

My perspective has also changed. I am not just my staff’s boss or my patient’s dentist.  I am a sounding board.  I am a channel of His spirit and dentistry is a vehicle.   I am the person that they know they can come to when they are vulnerable and weak and scared.  They have witnessed me overcome adversity and they respect my grit.  They have seen me at my low and they have seen me climb out as a better person. Not arrogant or better then but a person who is right sized, genuine, and humble. 

I used to think that my staff were lucky to work for me. I thought I was this great dentist with a thriving practice and could pay them well so it was worth it for them to put up with me. I lacked patience and wasn’t equipped with humility.  Today I don’t look at my staff like that rather with mutual respect and loving understanding.  I care for them and prioritize that they feel secure and appreciated. We have a healthy relationship and enjoy working together. We really are more like a family then a dental team.

I rarely react or get emotional, I don’t raise my voice, I don’t say things that are hurtful or demeaning. Living in recovery has taught me how to stop and breathe.  Instead of reacting, I reflect inwardly, embracing chances to be kind and be teachable. I am present and grounded and I didn’t used to be.  This demeanor has allowed the folks in my life to trust and feel secure. I strive to understand, not be understood.  I practice forgiveness and acceptance.  I know in my core that no matter what everything will work out.  I enjoy a trust that I do not have to be in control.

When it comes to my partner, I respect our differences.  I don’t focus on our differences rather I focus on our similarities.  This is exactly what the program of recovery has taught me.  My partner is going to diagnose differently, to treatment plan differently, to do what he believes in his heart and today I trust him and respect him and I accept our differences.

In an inherently stressful environment, such as dentistry, these shifts in my character have noticeably helped to minimize the interactive stress in each relationship I encounter.   Less stress yields more peace with self, others, and life in general. My mindful state of being present emits a calm to interactions.  These harmonious connections are the most rewarding aspect of my career.

I need people and I cherish relationships because I know that my purpose is greater than exceptional margins, perfect contours, and painless injections. I know my purpose is so much bigger than me. I can be my authentic self and be genuinely concerned about the well-being of others with right sized motivations and importance.

The work we do on ourselves in recovery is transformational.  Overtime in recovery I looked at myself, I allowed others to see my fears, I studied my fears and core beliefs,  I learned how to be vulnerable, I learned how to ask for help, I learned how to listen to my instincts and process those feelings, I learned how to dial back emotions, I eventually became adept at managing my reactions, I learned that because of my past injuries and emotional ills I was overly sensitive.

I’m not sure if I stopped reacting or if I actually changed my circuit board.  The reality is that I decide today who has the power to arouse my reactions and emotions. I have learned that helping others, people pleasing, going above and beyond were assets that had allowed me to prosper in dental school and now in my career and personal life.  But in recovery my entire perspective has changed. I still want others approval but I am confident that I will survive without it. This belief system has affected every relationship I have.

Our culture bombards us with self-gratifying messages that elevate status, desire, and accomplishment above character. My aim in recovery is to improve my character so I don’t worry about my reputation because I put my false pride to rest. With the armor of spiritual security, insecurity has vanished. A life in prayer and practicing self-reflection is counter cultural.  A life focused on character is fulfilling where focus on self-gratification left me dissatisfied with life. Belief in life beyond the physical world deepens love and devotion in relationships.

As we change, our relationships change. As we learn about what motivates us and why, we learn how to shift from self to others.  We shift from fear to faith.  We shift from chaos to peace. It’s not about me and that’s probably the biggest change in my relationships. Life is what you make it and I am excited for more insight and life’s lessons.

I could not have known how being in recovery could and would change my relationships and my practice and ultimately my entire life, but golly am I grateful it has.

Thank you for reading this article.

Another Grateful Alcoholic in Recovery