The Number One Offender

“Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” “Alcoholics Anonymous,” Chapter 5, “How It Works,” page 64.

To this day, it’s hard to believe that my anger and resentment towards my ex-wife was killing me. On the surface, it seems normal to ‘hate’ someone who did me wrong. “If she hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t be in pain,” I thought. But years later, in a different time and place, I realized the source of my pain was not her, but me. Recovery opened my eyes to my role in it, and they are still being opened. All of these sayings that I’ve heard in and around the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in recovery are like focal points around which I move the furniture of my perspective. “What someone thinks about me is none of my business.” This shows me that I can take care of myself even if I have detractors…no matter who they are.

While I was in dental school, my father-in-law wrote me a letter calling me a ‘sorry excuse for a husband and father.’ I was in my early 20s, with a new baby and wife. I still remember how powerful and painful those words were. Although I didn’t agree with him then or now, I realized I had to keep moving towards my goals. His words were his business, not mine.

Ironically, my resentment toward my wife gave me a great excuse to use drugs and be self-destructive. When my wife of 14 years cheated on me, and shortly thereafter my father died, I felt justified in popping pills and ignoring my responsibilities. I thought, “I didn’t cause this pain and I don’t deserve it.” But no amount of victimization or trauma justified my self-destruction.

This is my life and I deserve to live it clean and sober. I deserve my life using all of my mental and physical capacities. First, I took drugs to cover the pain of resentment. Later, I had to take them because nothing else mattered. It just kept getting worse.

It took a while to realize I needed help. I had to start looking at my own side of the street. I found help with the CDP, people in recovery, and hard work on myself. I had to look through the eyes of my wife. My father. My father-in-law. I realized that compassion for them means compassion for myself. I couldn’t “take the poison” of resentment and hope one day they would suffer the consequences. I have been free from mood and mind-altering substances for 21 years. My life isn’t perfect, but it’s beautiful and free from the poison of resentment.

— A Grateful Recovering Dentist —